Writing Club

[Kate]

As a Brit, but with a father born in Monkstown and lots of relatives in Dublin, how about I throw this one in - I guess it's a sort of romance

[Text of short story removed by Kate 24.09.08]

[blossom]

Love the title of this story Kate can really see her eyes. It is an interesting post to my quest for romance.
Were they ever lovers? Why are her eyes now lacking warmth and sparkle when she looks at him?
Can there be another chapter where he finds love, passion, romance.
Blossom.

[Carol]

Hi Kate,

Thanks for your story; definitely comes under romance. Unlike Blossom, I'm not sure about the title. I felt it was a little arbitrary, and wondered it if the title should reflect more of the loss and sorrow about the imminent parting that the subject is feeling?

I loved the ending and that last sentence; it conveyed the sense of limbo perfectly. I'm not sure about the brevity of some of the paragraphs. They seem to be leading up to a sense of climax, but then become longer and more pensive in tone. Perhaps their length/pace could be mixed-up if your intention is to give a sense of to-ing anfd fro-ing in the narrator's mind?

I love the unusual settings and would like to see more descriptive passages to put us securely in the scene. Writing about such foreign(to us) places must be an advantage to a writer. Keep it up!
_________________
Carol

[TESS]

I see the title as linking the beginning and the end, the change in the girl and in him. Their relationship had such warmth and openness when they were children and was hard and brittle at the end. Her eyes, once welcoming, are unyielding, like the door in the last paragraph.

No, they were never lovers, Blossom. He was fickle. He switched from Ivan when the girl came, and back to Ivan when she left. He made no attempt to keep in touch with her, yet expected her to fall into his arms when she re-appeared. Wouldn't your eyes lack sparkle when you saw him again and saw that he just expected you to carry on as before despite the fact that you were married? Or was it that she regretted marrying Ivan, who was no fun, but had to be strong and stop herself from falling for her first boyfriend all over again?

I loved all of it. Here was a young man who had taken everything that came his way. He hadn't worked at anything as Ivan had, but just taken from his family, doing whatever was necessary without putting himself out. For the first time he couldn't take - she resisted him - so, selfish to the end, he left, knowing how much that would upset all his family.

There was only one thing that worried me. 'The brown pillars' in the second paragraph. I couldn't decide about the cream garland. Was it at the base of the pillars? I couldn't see it at the base of the dome.

Sorry to go on.

Tess

[Kate]

Hi Blossom, Carol and Tess

Many thanks for your feedback on the story. To answer some of your questions (and I feel a bit like Captain Jack Sparrow in POTC III here) - the title is taken directly from the two descriptions of her eyes; no they were never lovers - they were only nine when they met; and the cream garlands were painted on the ceiling at the base of the dome. I had only intended this to be a short story, but would agree that there is an option of extending it to tell their stories in more detail and further the story. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be writing an extended love story, but will certainly think about it.

Tess, your interpretation of my young man took me by surprise. I saw him as doing the noble thing and leaving rather than risk breaking up his friends' marriage. I'll have to think about the characterisation some more.

Incidentally, this story came out of a genuine incident at L'viv airport. I watched a young man check-in, surrounded by weeping relatives and visualised all the reaons behind his journey.

Kind regards, Kate

[TESS]

Airports are great for ideas, aren't they? I remember a sexy young woman who was never still, wiggle-waggling her hips all over the place, attracting male lustful glances wherever she went. She went into print

But to your young man, Kate. Look at his track record. He hadn't time for Ivan when an attractive young lass came along. Yes he was only 9, but he was already selfish, went for what he wanted, discarding people along the way. He showed no sign of distress when she left, didn't try to keep in touch, simply forgot about her and went back to his cast-off friend -- until she came back as his friend's wife. Then he expected her to come back to him, with no suggestion of a lasting relationship. If he had cared about his friend's marriage he would either have avoided her and kept himself busy on the farm where his father needed him, sought another wife, or left without trying to seduce her. He only left because she had turned him down and I don't see anything noble in deserting his family (who have supported him all this time) when they need him. He is leaving without giving them fair warning so that they can make alternative arrangements and who did he think would miss him most? His mother. Why? Because she has praised him. Self, self, self.

It's a great story. So many different emotions, love, jealousy, avarice, selfishness, fun, competitiveness, desolation.

Sorry this man isn't the one you wrote about but I can see all kinds of possibilities for developing the story. What are your plans for it as it is? Have you sent it out? I should have thought it was too sad for the women's magazine market. Of course, if you switched it round and wrote it from the girl's point of view, where she hankered after her childhood 'sweetheart' only to realise she'd married the right man ...

Tess

[Kate]

Hi Tess

It was highly commended in the competition run by my writing group in Kent last year. I've tweaked it since then and was thinking about sending it out again for another competition.

I like the idea of rewriting the story from the girl's point of view as well. Hmmm, must do some more writing.

Kind regards, Kate

[TESS]

It should have been more than commended -- I can't have been the judge

Southport Writers' Circle competition closes 31st October, The New Writer 30th November - more money in the latter. Have you got details? But you've probably got others from Askaboutwriting.

Tess

[blossom]

See Kate, a simple query about where is romance and we are treated to this fascinating story which it would seem has all the potential to evolve into a best selling novel.
Keep writing, Tess's take on the character is brilliant and much food for thought.
Blossom